The Lies I've Told Myself
The first part of this won’t be sexy, funny or light …. Some of my deepest thoughts are revealed in this post, and I need to provide context about it before we really dive in. So, please consider the next paragraph before reading on, friends. You’re gonna get a filter-free insight into my psyche here, so approach it tenderly and deliberately - no looky-loos, ploise.
I thought about posting this on the gram, but this is not meant for everyone’s eyes. This is meant for YOUR eyes, because I have an inkling that by choosing to read this, you’re here for one of two things:
1. You know that you are also telling yourself some lies, and you want context, clarity, growth and insight.
2. You like to focus more on other peoples’ lives, because you refuse to focus on YOU, and you’re here to invest more in judging someone else than in being in your own creation.
If it’s the latter and you choose to stick around, I’m going to make a request: know that you are here for you - this is not about me. If you cannot agree to laying judgement aside, make a choice now.
If it’s the former, I’m holding you in my heart while you read this and gain more context on things you’d like to uncover and make known to yourself. PHEW. Ok, formalities out of the way. Ya still there? (I was going to make a Cool Runnings reference, but I’ll spare ya).
I’ve had one of those weeks. The ones that feel murky, muddy, testing, emotional … and necessary. As Brene Brown says, we know that being in the arena means having our asses kicked … often (it’s a given, in fact). But for some reason, it always bloody surprises me when it happens! Put it down to the full moon if you like, but basically - the week has been messy AF.
I’ve done my best not to hustle myself out of this discomfort, but rather, to sit with myself and let the tears flow down my cheeks, to pour a cup of tea and sit with my confusion, to invite my doubt in and have a long conversation with her (sometimes asking her ‘WTF is UP!?), to beat myself up and get curious about that instead of believing it as truth. I’ve never done this before. People have said “sit with your emotions” plenty of times, and truthfully, I’ve always been like “what the fuck do you even mean? Like, literally just sit down? Orrrrrr????”
So this time around, when I found myself all turned around, sad, angry, frustrated, and confused, I went from being ‘The Observed’ (the person feeling all the things) to ‘The Observer’ (the person noticing myself feeling all the things). I literally sat down, or went for a walk in the sun (my bloodshot eyes will prove to ya that the tears were still flowing, and it’ll also appear to the rest of the world like I’d been on a bender), and I got curious.
I remembered some questions that Dr. Joe Dispenza poses in his book Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself, and I began asking:
What kind of person have I been?
What kind of person do I present to the world?
What kind of person am I really like inside?
Is there an experience I struggle with over and over again, possibly even every day?
How would my closest family and friends describe me?
Is there something about myself that I hide from others?
What part of my personality do I need to work on improving?
What is one thing I want to change about myself?
After all of this, it took me to this one powerful concept of COHERENCE (one of Dr. Joe’s favourite topics - google it!). Simply put, coherence is when our outside world matches our inside world. That is, when there is no gap between who we are portraying and who we are being. And all of this lead me to one single question; WHAT LIES AM I TELLING MYSELF (and therefore, the world)? That is, where am I INCOHERENT?
I know it’s easy to read that and be like, ‘yeah guurrrrl, SPEAK YOUR TRUTH!’ But here’s the thing; if speaking our truth was so simple, we’d all fucking do it, wouldn’t we? So, instead of throwing out the cliches, over-simplifying and bypassing, let’s get real:
Sometimes we are incoherent because we do not know what our coherence looks like
Sometimes we are incoherent because we are the observed - not yet aware that we have thought patterns and behaviours that are destructive
Sometimes we have thought something for so long - whether by conditioning, society or family of origin - that we have no idea that it’s not actually OUR thought at all, but that of our external world
Sometimes we want to be coherent but it is in contradiction to something we’ve said or done before, so we get confused about what is and isn’t our truth
And sometimes, it’s just really bloody hard to be ourselves in a world that reveres pretty pictures, positivity, #highvibe, and make-up contouring, especially when our coherence doesn't look like that.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not asking you to bare all to everyone, always.
God, no - your stories are a damn privilege for someone else to hear. You discern and choose who gets all of you. Brene Brown says that vulnerability without boundaries is just off-loading. AMEN. So, please don’t just spew out your heart to anyone and everyone for the sake of being coherent (because that's totally not coherence). But I’m asking you (and me) to consider one thing when we share something (in person, online, or wherever):
Are we trying to position ourselves, pretend, prove, perform or hide ourselves?
If you’re anything like me, you love having an example. So, I want to share some of mine. Some of these absolutely bullshit lies that are cock blocking my coherence (and therefore my JOY and authenticity - yes, that’s right, I’m still learning to be 100% authentic) colour my words, actions and feelings because honestly, I’m still working on shifting them from my DNA.
Here are the lies I’ve told myself that have been getting in the way of my coherence:
I will only say my truth when I know it will be palatable and acceptable to you, and in alignment with things I have said/done before. Otherwise, I will keep my mouth shut.
I will hide my power and conviction when in the company of those more “superior” in my industry to avoid being labelled “righteous” or “naive”
I will assume responsibility for my relationship and will apologise to “make things right”, even when it is misplaced.
I will play things down, especially hard things, because I’d rather laugh about it and avoid your pity, than admit that my heart is hurting.
I will allow shame to penetrate me when YOU ask about or question my birth, parenting techniques, body, or sexual preferences
I will tolerate your lack of interest and support in my life, and will endure your long stories about things that don’t interest me, because that’s the “nice” thing to do.
I am fundamentally flawed because there are days of motherhood that I don’t enjoy - I’d rather hide those from the world, or laugh about it instead.
That being overtly sexual is both desirable by men, as well as their main ammunition to slut-shame, so I can’t express myself sexually.
If I am not working tirelessly to achieve a goal, it will never happen - I will not have earnt my right to receive. I must work harder.
My worth is wrapped up in my physical beauty and my income - no one will love me without these things.
Now, friends, I know these things are bullshit, and I am okay (I know some of you will send me love, but know that I don’t need that). The reason I’m sharing this is because revealing these things to myself means that I now know that they exist, that they are untrue, that I can go about unravelling them from my DNA - and it means that you can do this with your own lies too. We all have them. We are all influenced by people and the environment at various stages in our lives, and they remain part of us until we liberate ourselves from them. I see how my lies trip me up often, and frankly, I’m done with that.
I can see that the lie about achieving goals fills my body with fear and causes me to be rushed, intense, impatient, anxious, highly strung, desperate, lacking and scarce. Trying to “fix” the anxiety is like putting a band-aid on a bullethole - it doesn’t fucking work. Or at least, it doesn't work for me long term.
So, here’s what I wanna leave you with:
What lies are you telling yourself? (e.g. my lie about goals)
What emotion does that trigger that you’d like to un-memorise from your DNA? (e.g. fear)
What are the states of mind powered by that emotion? (e.g. rushing, impatience, desperation, anxiety, etc.)
“No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it.” - Einstein
I hope that this helps you work through the murky, muddy waters that are inevitable when you’re a human committed to transformation. I’m in there right now, and I’m just sitting here as The Observer, not really loving it, but I’m doing it anyway.
Girl, if you wanna share the lies that you tell yourself with me, shoot me an email at email@example.com (confidentiality is a given). If you got something out of this blog post, take a screenshot and share it on your IG stories, and tag me @iambrittanyeastman. I want people to know about this stuff - I’m really proud that we’re all doing this work.
Mud & tears,